Media Clipping — Saturday, November 7, 1998, The Daily News

Be a good mom, not a Slave.

Women my age imitate our moms and work 50 hours on top

By Sandra Porteous

MOST PEOPLE WORK very hard and in a perfect family, the domestic chores are spread around evenly. There is difference, however, between a perfect family and the real ones we see all around us. Which is not to say things haven't improved. The fathers of the '90s are involved in a greater variety of tasks than their fathers ever were.

My dad took pride in being able to say he had never once changed a diaper. Today, no father in their right mind would try to toss that line out, not at least without protecting their head. Now fathers load children into cars and drive them to activities, they help with homework and load dishwashers and wash ing machines. Many are great cooks who make wonderful meals. But one thing has not changed. The majority of women end up carrying a heavier load.

How can it be that men do more today but that women still end up doing the bulk of the domestic chores? Simple. More women work outside the home than stay in it. That means for many Canadians, there is one fulltime office job and another job waiting for them when they get home. It is not uncommon to meet a '90s mom who works all day and prepares the same amount of home-made baked goods for Christmas that her mother did.

A great new study released by GPI Atlantic found in the last 40 years, little has changed for women. Females still do about 65.5 per cent of domestic work. Working mothers put in four hours of unpaid work after they leave the job that pays. That means working mothers put in an average workday of more than 11 hours. No numbers on how long they get to sit between chores. Mothers are still the people in the family who get the groceries or line up in the school gym on parentteacher night.

Women still sewing and working

Women are sewing costumes for Halloween, or they're the consumer who heads out to buy the candy for the trickortreaters. On average, Nova Scotian women spend two hours per day more than men on housework. The study found that included regular housework and taking care of children.

That might explain why so many fathers say they are 'babysitting' when they are taking care of their own children. If women do it most of the time, some men must feel like it's a special gig instead of a regular part of parenting.

Women in this province spend three times as long cooking and doing dishes and seven times longer cleaning and doing laundry. My mom did not work outside the home during my child

hood. She was the best kind of mother who made costumes, baked, and took care of f~ve other people. Women my age try hard to meet that same standard, along with our 50hour work week. It is not an easy job. When my mother was alive, she came for a visit and watched me vacuum a room until bedtime. She was horrified I was doing that kind of work late at night.

Her criticism hurt until I listened to what she was really saying. It turned out to be, "Why don't you hire a cleaning lady? No one should be working this hard!" Over the years, I have thought back on that night and it helps me to sleep with laundry piled around me, to know my mom would not want me to work that hard every day.

An American study of working mothers called the burden women carry, the "endless list" of chores. The moms in the survey carried around big purses and most had long lists of things that needed to be done each day. The list included everything from getting the right kind of construction paper for someone's project to stopping at the grocery store to get the ingredient needed for a special recipe to mailing gifts to inlaws.

Yet another report concluded women will take care of the needs of everyone in a family before they take care of their own. A friend came home from shopping and passed out much needed items to everyone in the room. At the end she took out a box of detergent. Why? It was the thing she got for herself. Instead of being our own worst enemy, we have to learn to be our own best friend. A mother is defined as the person who, when she sees there is not enough pie for everyone, will say she is full.

Mothers need time too

That is the best part of what it is to be a mother. However, all mothers need to take time for themselves. My teenager told me the other day that it might be wise for me to stop by the drugstore and pick him up some bristol board.

Instead, I gave him some cash and suggested he do it himself on the way home when he passed the store. The other teen pointed out the laundry was backing out which means next, it's time for lessons in laundry.

Women might be busier than ever, but they need to be something else. Namely, the person who not only delegates but ignores the cries this is all too unfair. When all members of a family take on responsibility, there is a benefit.

Being a good mother does not mean being a good slave. There is a difference between an act of love and sharing the load. There can be no greater delight than soaking in a tub that, someone else cleaned. Turn the hot water on, I'm on my way!

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